August 20, 2012
Dear iTunes Shuffle

I feel like it’s time we cleared the air and put all of our issues out on some imaginary table. Clearly you’re harboring some resentment towards me that’s causing you to act out in a way that sabotages my reputation and perception of myself. 

Let’s get something straight - you are first, and most importantly, a music library. A library, by definition, is a collection of lots of different things. You are my library and I, too, am a collection of lots of different things.

Things like…showtunes. I’m not going to lie. I fucking love Rent. I mean, I’ve never actually seen it because WTF I’m not a total loser, but I do enjoy the soundtrack. It’s poppy and jazzy and saddy and snappy and all the dwarves stupid Snow White never had. I also enjoy the hell out of anything from Annie and Bye Bye Birdie, but that’s because I had a starring role as an extra in each of those summer school productions. While I do admit to enjoying this category of music, it is not something I wish for you to play unless I’m in the shower, alone, or working out with headphones on, again, totally alone.

So, my little surrey with a fringe on top, explain to me why you continue to play these at the most inopportune times? Such as when I’m at a party and my phone gets picked to play the cool music because everyone thinks I’m cool…and then you prove them wrong.

Also, do you really need to hit up my slight Hannah Montana collection every time we shuffle? I mean, there are only, like, four songs, and I only downloaded them because I was trying to write a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde joke about Miley and needed some inspiration. I don’t even like those songs!

Don’t play dumb. You’re an Apple product. You’re practically a robot and definitely have a higher I.Q. than I do, so if you think I don’t know what kind of emotional manipulation you’re playing when you pull out “My Heart Will Go On” while I’m having a dance party with my dog, you are wrong. You think I’m an emotionally unstable basket case who you can make cry at the switch of a song, but what you don’t know is that there was room on that raft for two and if Kate had just moved her fat ass over, maybe Leo wouldn’t have died.

Furthermore, I don’t appreciate your patronizing tone. After a bad day, sometimes I just want to hear a little dirty rap - you know, something with gunshots. You give me two minutes of gangster and then you turn into a passive aggressive asshole and play some Kenny Loggins bullshit. That’s how people get into major car accidents, do you know that? Of course you do. In fact, I’m sure you think “Highway To The Danger Zone” is hilariously ironic.

Speaking of car accidents, I use my Voice Memo reluctantly, but purposefully. When I’m driving and I have an idea, stopping in the middle of the highway to type it on my phone is dangerous. So I’m now accustomed to recording a Voice Memo because holy asshair, car insurance gets expensive when you fuck up. Sometimes it’s not so much an idea as a joke in-progress or my sister and I practicing for a podcast we don’t have or an attempt to find out what I sound like while singing to Wilson Phillips (surprisingly not bad, though still not American Idol material). Until I figure out how to make these stop going into my iTunes Library, you are under no circumstances allowed to ever play these. No, not even when we are alone. When you sneak attack me with my own voice, my self-esteem drops 20 to 30 points because I have to once again realize that my speaking voice is not as beautiful as my shower singing voice and then you’re left to pick up the pieces with a couple hours of Ani DiFranco. Why torture yourself?

These are my major issues. I’m open to hearing your defense in the same way I’m open to hearing T-Pain sing without using auto tune. If life was fair, you would get a rebuttal and I would listen to your points, nodding my head and scribbling counterpoints down on a legal pad, but this is not a presidential debate. This is music, my music, which I paid for…mostly. So stop being a dick or I swear I will invent the next Napster and ruin your life. 


Your Owner, QuinnK

  1. marzipan-pie-plate reblogged this from mashedcontent
  2. mashedcontent reblogged this from quinnk and added:
    Read this, because it’s hilarious, and we’ve all experienced something similar.
  3. mashedcontent said: This is hilarious, thank you!
  4. quinnk posted this
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