Are you socially awkward, shy or just plain ugly? Don’t worry. Here are 5 tips that will help you overcome your disabilities and decrease your chances of dying alone!
1. Paint the word “FLIRT” on your nails. Hands can be very sexy as long as they aren’t old or carny-like. You can use this valuable real estate to say something about yourself that’s also a command to others. This is also a great way to demonstrate your minimal intelligence, which is a major turn on for most men.
2. Eat a donut in a low-cut shirt. You want to draw attention to your most feminine areas, which are your mouth and tits. So eat a donut (which is comes in a conveniently suggestive shape) and as the crumbs drop into your chestbutt crevasse, pick them out one by one and eat them, sexily.
3.If a cute guy caught your eye, the best way to get him to notice you is to create a situation that requires physical contact. Of course, this physical contact should be as sexual as possible so your best bet is to pretend to choke. If the guy is worth it, he will give you the heimlich maneuver and guess what? That’s basically second base which means you’re almost accidentally pregnant and that much closer to locking him down forever!
4. Obsessively lick your lips. This is how all sex was initiated in the 90s. And let’s be honest, your lips are probably super chapped and kind of gross. Licking them will make them worse, but in the moment it will seem like the most deliberately hot thing you’ve ever done.
5. Have your period in your pants and try to make the stain resemble a heart. This will distract from your horrifying pear-shaped figure and confuse the guy into thinking of you in terms of other, sexier shapes.
Note: If you are a lesbian, this very concise and pragmatic list does not apply to you. Flirting with a woman is a completely different story. All you have to do is compliment her and then ask her a question about herself. If done correctly, you should only have to repeat this once before her clothes just fall off.
YOU: I love your hair!
YOU: Are your pubes ombre style too?
(She’s naked now.)